Just as it got started... The search was over!

April 24th 2014:

It happened just like that!

Within 15 minutes of getting a lead on where he might possibly work. He was one the phone!

Oh my god was the only thing I thought and quite possibly the only thing I said (You might have to ask my Daughter Alexis). I think my immediate reaction was putting my hands to my face and pacing the room feeling every nerve in my body going crazy.

I had found him! It only took me 29 days. Every lead I had was a dead end and this one seemed like it was going to end the same way.

It wasn't at all how I expected it to go. I expected to get the information I needed, sit on it for awhile, and then possibly make contact when I felt ready for it.

At this point I didn't have a choice.

My husband got off the phone with him and said "He knows about you".

"How do you know"

"I could tell by his reaction"

"Well, what did he say and How did he say it". 

The fear hit when I knew I had to call him in 20 minutes, but I knew it had to be done. I couldn't just leave it hanging, plus he was right there and I wanted any information I could get! It was the time I could get all the answers I needed and ached for since finding out my dad was not my biological dad.

I'm glad I called him.
I found out many things about him and his relationship with my mom. According to him; the stories I had heard about him being possessive, his mom sending him away, and that he broke up with her when he found out, was not at all the way it went. I believe him. None of the stories I heard made sense to me in the first place and only added more confusion to my already confused heart.

He didn't find out my mother was pregnant until after she left and he was never 100% sure that I was his. He found me a couple years ago and had been waiting for my call.
I have a large family. I have two more sisters; plus, I'm an aunt!

I'm relieved that he has accepted getting to know me; instead of just shutting me out, or wanting nothing to do with me.

Before I found him I thought to myself that I would be okay given he didn't want anything to do with me; but I realize now that I think about him and my new found sisters all day! They always cross my mind. If I wasn't able to contact them, I'm sure I would feel sort of lost; or in a way, heartbroken!

The feeling of being "lost" or "incomplete" has subsided with finding Randy; with knowing that he wants to get to know me and meet me one day, and with finding what information I was looking for, as well as knowing and speaking to my biological father. It's like the last piece of the puzzle is there. Even though I haven't met him, I know he exists and I know that I'm part of him. He is no longer a stranger. My puzzle is complete having found him.  

I feel that I've already started building relationships with each of them. I've spoken to Randy three times for hours at a time and I really enjoy him. Our 2-3 hour talks seem to fly by. He's honest. He seems straight forward. He makes me think. He is positive.

I feel bad for him in a way. He states that it's like his baby was stolen away from him. I couldn't imagine that feeling and in a sense I can't feel what he feels. I just learned that he was my biological dad. Before March 26th I had a biological dad and knowing that he is not is still very hard to grasp. It's still all new for me and becoming "okay" with it, I know will come with time.

Being told what I have about Randy by his daughters (my sisters), sister (My aunt), and what I gotten from speaking with him. I wish I would have known him as a kid. I could have had the best of both worlds. I don't  necessarily think it's fair that he was kept from me or I was kept from him. I often wonder who I would be had another person influence my life; not only him but his family (or my family).

I'm not saying that I grew up in a bad way or had bad influences. I loved being outdoors at all times. I love most the family I grew up with. I love it all, but I know that things could have possibly been different. But like Randy says the past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it.

So what do we do from here on out? I hope...... We create a future. We create time, love, and friendships. We create us. We create a father and daughter bond. We create a life that includes one another. We create memories. Twenty-eight years is a long time to catch up on.I can only hope for the best.

I'm really excited about this new chapter in my life and can't wait to see what happens. I thank the lord my dad, sisters, and rest of the family are so supportive. It would be hard to do this with everyone against me, but they have been right there supporting me along the way! I'm so blessed to have them in my life!

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3

Dear…. I’m not sure what to call you.

Dear…. I’m not sure what to call you; Dad, Father, Biological dad, Randy, Mr. Wilson, Stranger…. 
                        
                        You’re probably wondering why I am trying to find you and to contact you after almost 29 years. Sometimes I still ask myself why also, but something keeps drawing me to the Facebook pages for your old high school for any year or to the search engines online. By the way, there are over 12,000 Randy Wilson's in the USA, the chance of stumbling upon the “Right one” seems beyond impossible! I’m always running in circles getting frustrated at results that lead me in no direction. Then I find those that possibly have information and my anxiety skyrockets in hopes that this “Randy Wilson” is the one.
                         
                          On March 26th 2014 (Almost a month from the date of this letter), I found out for the first time in my life that the dad that signed my birth certificate, that loved me, that nurtured me, that raised me to be the woman I am, the one that loved me from the moment he found out my mother was pregnant; is in fact, NOT my biological father. I felt as if my whole world came tumbling down. I feel lost and confused. Twenty eight years old and finding out that was all a lie. I feel like I need answers as to who I am. I know I am who I’ve always been, but what’s my nationality? What is my medical history? Do I look like you? Do we have things in common? If none of my traits came from the man I believed to be my biological father, where did they come from? 

                            I know it’s a lot to sink in, I still have a hard time comprehending it; it’s hard to believe that I could have come from anyone other than my dad. I understand that it’s possible you may want nothing to do with me. I “think” I would be okay with that, but I would love to get the answers first. If we can just talk once, I will never ask of anything again. But, if by chance you do want to get to know me; a lot of years have passed. First off; my name is Laura Marie; I’m 28 years old and I have two babies of my own and two step children. I would welcome the chance to get to know you and any/all possible family I have out there.

                            I’ve compiled many different stories about you from different people. My dad never asked questions. The only things he was told was that your name was Randy (which my whole family confirms) and that you were a possessive person (info came from my mother); which leads me to believe that you never knew I ever existed and your just now realizing it. My aunt Pattie said that she didn’t think you knew anything about me. In this case we are in the same boat and it will probably come to you as a shock as it did me. I cried for days and then started searching for answers. I’m still scared to contact you, but I know I need to for myself. I also realized that if you didn’t know about me, you were never given the chance to be a dad to me, and that I believe is not fair... to you or myself. 

                           I’ve heard that you found out about my and broke up with my mother. When I assumed that you were still in high school at the time, I completely understood a scared boy running. But now that I have gained information that you were a couple years older (should have been roughly 20 years old) and out of school, I didn’t get why you wanted nothing to do with your own child. Maybe you still don’t, I guess I don’t understand. 

                           I also heard that your mother sent you away. This story doesn’t make much since to me, but then again I didn’t grow up in those years; but I don’t quite get how a mother can send an adult away when he gets a girl pregnant. Again this means you knew about me, which I’m still not exactly sure what is true.

                            No matter the outcome, you knew about me or you didn’t. You want to meet me or you never want to hear from me again… I would still like answers to my questions and I feel I should get that respect. I’m not here to cause problems between you and your family and if you don’t want them knowing about me, I will fully respect those wishes.

                           All I ask is that you please speak with me at least once, so I can find some closure with this.


Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon!

Laura

A possible lead?

I posted in a Ceour D'Alene High Facebook Group to see if anyone knew how to find Randy or Becky Wilson from the graduating classes of 80-85. A guy messaged me. 

 

*I have blocked my last name/his last name/profile pictures for security purposes*

He viewed the message on Tuesday but never got back to me, so I messaged him again on Thursday the 24th.

"Again sorry to bother you.
I'm not sure that you have given Randy my number yet but in the case you did, I'm curious as to what his response was.
Also if you agree, I have written him a letter that I would like relayed to him if possible. A possibly Yay or Nay would Suffice.
Being that he is the "Right" Randy Wilson.
I would appreciate it greatly."

I hope he will help me out here.  My anxiety is so high thinking I could be so close.

Searching for him..... Or is it myself??

On March 26th 2014, I found out for the first time in my life that my dad... is not my biological dad!

.....I was confused.

.....I was hurt.

.....I was shocked.

.....I am still confused.

.....I cried for days.

Who is he? What does he look like? Do I look anything like him? Do I have family out there that I have never knew about? Why was it kept from me for so long? All these questions running through my head and absolutely no way to get the answer. You see; I have no, ABSOLUTELY no communication with my mother, because she is poison to my life. The downer... She is the only one with the absolute answers but no guarantee for the truth.

The events unfolded like this.

- Sister serves papers for custody of younger sister (shes had her for over a year)
-Mom flips out and starts texting hurtful things to my sister (Fiance is a creep, her and my younger sister are the ones on drugs, etc)
-The kicker: 3 or so hours later a new text comes in:

- My sister called my dad

- My dad called me. 

- I cried! 

Everyone knew! Everyone on my moms side, everyone on my dads side. Everyone knew, but myself and my sisters! I wish they would have told me when I was little but able to understand or even little enough to know but not care, because then I would have gone through life knowing, but not caring. :0) I would have been able to make the decision sooner on if I wanted to find this man they say is my biological father.

I have talked to my whole family... excluding my mother and found out different details:

His name is Randy via my dad, 2 aunts, and 2 uncles

He possibly went to Ceour D'Alene High School with mom. 

He had brownish blonde hair

He was medium build (Jock?)

One uncle said he was a stand up guy and a really hard worker, he could see him in construction or similar field.

My aunt said his name was Randy Wilson (Not sure on the last name). 

BTW : There are sooooo many Randy Wilsons in the US

My mother; Wendy, and him dated for just a few months in high school (1985)

I've heard that he broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant because his family didn't want it.

I've heard that he was possessive, therefore he may not know that I exist at all.

WHO ARE YOU?

My mother  has caused so much hurt and pain in my life. She feels as if she is the victim all the time and if you tell her anything that she doesn't want to hear, you end up with texts of the sort like the previous. I've been threatened that she will sue me (Over a phone number that I kept telling her she needed to get into her own name for months), that my kids are dirty and are welfare children (Please state hand over the cash because it's hard to raise a family with NO help!), I'm a stingy little cunt, that I'm spiteful (all because I replied to her "Please don't text me again"), I'm a nigger (I absolutely HATE that word), that I need church, etc... It's a never ending battle.... Either you are cowering in her presence and agreeing with everything she says, or you just get out of the way. I'm not the only one that has witnessed this, I've just dealt with it longer than anyone else... because I grew up with it and now I'm 28 years old and she's hitting me with whatever she can. I believe this is the last thing that she can hit me with and I'm thanking god for that.

Because of her and other abusive relationships... I'm a person that feels guilt at all times, I'm quiet and don't like to hurt people. 

......I'm depressed. 

My whole life has revolved around my dad and his family. His family is the family I really ever knew. The ones that I spent my whole life with. I've always believed to the fullest that they were my blood relatives.  I still feel it in my mind, heart, or soul that they are my family.

Any medical history I have or my nationality all revolved around my dads side of the family. All that was a lie. I'm none of those things. 

Things are not going to change, because I know who my family is. I know who matters to me and I know who I love with my whole heart. I love my dad and my dad will always ALWAYS be my dad because he is the one that raised me. He is the one that loved me and never treated me any different than he did my sister (his biological daughter). I never had any inclination that I wasn't his biological child.

But in a sense, I feel lost. What am I? Who am I? What I believed myself to always be, was a lie. I'm hurt. I can't wrap my head around it to save my life.

I know who my dad is... but I would like to know who my biological father is. I just want answers. If he wants nothing to do with me, I completely understand. I've lived my life. I'm a grown woman with a wonderful family, wonderful husband, and wonderful children. I don't need much more.. I just want answers. 

But if he wants to know me.... I'm open to that also. I would love to know what other family I have out there. 

People tell me to search and have helped. Others tell me not to. They say to forget about it, leave it alone; all because things didn't work out well for them. But let me point out they had the chance to find and figure out who was their biological father, they found the answers they needed to move on with their life. It's not so easy to say put it in the back of my mind. I've been told to prepare myself for the rejection because this man more than likely has a family; a wife and kids, that probably don't know or want anything to do with me (Possibly he doesn't either).

Isn't it only fair I do too? Here is my chance to tackle another hardship in my life (Why I have to live with so many, is beyond me), to become someone new, to grow. It's my life and I hate feeling guilty about it. I hate feeling like I'm gonna hurt my dad if I look for this man. I hate feeling like I'm gonna be judged by these people that say to leave it alone if I do find him. I hate feeling like it's just a waste of time because there are so many Randys out there.

I hate feeling scared to contact any of them in fear of finding this man because that means every bit of this is TRUE.



Find me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/awomanjustmakingitthrulife2013

 

Suicide... and what I think!

I am sure almost everyone has thought about suicide at one time or another in their lives.

• "I just don't want to live anymore?"
• "What reason do I have to live?"
• "No one will care if I'm gone/disappear!"

Or the simple.....

•  "I want to die"

The truth of the matter is suicidal thoughts can be a detailed plan on how you will kill yourself or it can be just the thought that you want to kill yourself but not carrying out/acting on it.

"According to the FDA (Food and Drug Administration), there are about 30,000 completed suicides in America each year, an annual incidence of 0.01%. 80% of suicides are among males. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds. Twenty per cent of all suicides are among this age group." http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/193026.php

Thoughts of suicide can come from remorse, rejection, breakup with a loved one, sexual abuse, financial problems, death of loved ones, or illness. It's really hard to deal with an overwhelming situation, so many resort to the thoughts of not wanting to live.

Suicide is a very scary thing and affects everyone around that person.

This week is National Suicide Week.

39th Annual National Suicide Prevention Week

September 8th - 14th, 2013

September 10th is Suicide Prevention Day!

(These are the kinds of things floating around the social media.)

I am supporting my "LOVE" for myself, Brandon, and other close friends/family that have these thoughts. Will you do the same?!

Other ways to support this is by wearing yellow and lighting a candle by the window at 8PM.

Suicide hits really close to home for me.

As a teenager, my grandmother died; I became very depressed. She was the one I ran to as a kid when my parent fought. She was the one I ran to when I ran away from home to get away from the emotional abuse from my mother. Yes; I ran away to my grandmas house. LOL. She was my rock. She was my comfort and she was my everything. When I lost her, my whole world came crashing down. I became very depressed!

With that depression came thoughts of suicide. I thought about killing myself and dying a lot. The depression was apparently starting to show at school and I was approached by the counselor. The Counselor was approached by most or all of my teachers. They were worried about me being home by myself and felt they needed to take action. But like many teenagers, I didn't have much to say!

• Nobody cares...
• Nobody will understand...
• I feel so alone...

At home, I was told to snap out of it. It's a lot easier said than done and it made me feel 10X worse. I stopped eating and I went through stages of insomnia and constant sleep.

I brought razors to my wrists many times, but was always fearful of following through.

I've heard people say that people that attempt/succeed at suicide are strong as opposed to weak because they actually follow through. I guess in a way that is correct, but I think they are at a weak point in their lives because they can't fight it out. They can't believe that life is worth living. I've been there.

At the age of 26, I went through a stage of it also. Depression hit hard. .. I just left my husband of 10 years, I was starting out on my own for the first time in my life, my current ex boyfriend of 3 months hit me; so I ended that. A family member was being rude and just not treating my kids right, so we got into an argument. I lost my best friend. I wanted to die. The only thing I felt keeping me alive were my children and they are the best purpose to have. I finally decided to just let everything go. It wasn't easy, but one day I just snapped out of it.

One of my close friends "Brother" killed himself on March 30, 2010. My family and his family were close and I grew up with him.

I felt so angry with him. How could he just leave us all behind? How could he leave his kid? How can he be so damn selfish?

I understand that people kill themselves because they don't think life is worth living, but it really sucks for us left behind as we have so many questions and they have a huge impact on our lives. Missing them and knowing that we couldn't do anything to help. Not knowing the feelings that were going through their head. Could I have been a better friend? I should have called more often. What if I was there. It really sucks to lose someone from suicide.

I also have friends and family that have thought about suicide and fight the feeling constantly. It's all around us.

I'm grateful for the life I live. I may not have everything, but I've got very important and supporting people and things around me. 

I hope everyone is able to spread awareness about suicide. The ones that are hurting the most, you might not be able to see their pain. One day they might be gone. 

Tell everyone you love them all the time. Even if you tell them a million times a day, tell them you love them because you don't know how much that may help. You don't know the inner battle they are fighting with themselves. You don't know if that phone call or text with I love you's or how are you doing's will save their life. Don't take advantage of the people that are here, because regardless of how they pass away; suicide or accident, they are just gone. :0( 

That's the harsh reality! They are just gone! 

So spread awareness, you don't know how many lives may be saved! Sometimes they just need to know that someone cares!



Sweet Lorraine. Beautiful!!!

What a beautiful video! What a beautiful LOVE! So worthy of a share!

Just 20 minutes a day... WOW.

I've always loved to read since I was younger and even now as an adult. The sad part is, I don't get that much time anymore. Maybe instead of turning that TV on at bedtime, I will turn to a book.

It's amazing the difference between 20 minutes and 5 minutes of reading.

My daughter was reading above a fourth grade level in first grade. We don't really know her reading level because they told me that's the highest they can test and she flew through it. She is currently reading books I would read. As a matter of fact; she is reading my favorite book, "A Thousand Tomorrows" by Karen Kingsbury.

Everyone should definitely read with their kids. :0) Look at the difference it makes.... why wouldn't you?!