You know that "one"...
I didn't believe that you could live with your life with your "other half" for 70 years and be completely happy all the time.
I dreamt of that perfect relationship! I dreamt of the lives people in their 80's told me about. I dreamt of being that old couple walking down the street or in the store holding hands and smiling at one another because they still love each other like they did 60 years ago. How is a love like that even possible?
Everyone believed my ex-husband and I had a good relationship! Everyone envied us. I had many people come to me and tell me that they wished for a relationship like ours. We were together for 10 years and we looked so happy in love, the relationship everyone wanted to believe in; to hope for. We were perfect!
Or so everyone thought!!
Behind closed doors..... we were not perfect! We fought from the day he moved in (for 10 years); I'm talking screaming and yelling at each other. The last few years we didn't talk. If we talked it usually ended up in a fight. He slept on the couch a lot. We were not intimate. I couldn't stand him touching me. I couldn't stand being around him. He made me angry down to my core with the emotional abuse and hatred I now had for myself.
Somewhere along the way... I grew to hate this man I once loved with every piece of my being. I believed we would be together forever. We grew apart, I grew up. We both said mean things to get under each others skin, and hurt each other over the years. We both took advantage of the other. I won't put all the blame on him because I was in the wrong many times too. He didn't believe I would ever leave and I feel he took complete advantage of that. He begged me to stay because he couldn't live without me, but continued to treat me badly. I was stuck and miserable. We would try to fix things between up only to be let down. It the end, he would beg to fix our problems; I told him that I knew they would never change.
If you take one step forward and two steps back... won't you always be falling behind? We were not good together, and we had not finished growing as individuals. We should have never married... I cant speak for him, but I never should have settled for anything less than "perfect".
Now, I know nobody/nothing is perfect. I'm was looking for "my perfect" and I had settled for less than that for 10 years! I once loved him, I truly did.
The way things ended and how destructive our relationship ended up being was not my cup of tea, but it was what was meant to be. It taught me so much about myself (which I found out after leaving). I'm capable of so much more than what he or myself made me out to be. To other people I was a great person; but behind closed doors... I would never amount to anything and no one would ever want me.
I proved myself wrong, because I believed him. Maybe it was just his way of controlling me and making me stay.
If I believed I wouldn't go anywhere in my life... If I believed I was a bad mom... If I believed nobody would ever want me.. If I believed anything he said.... I would stay. Not because I "Wanted" to, but because I "Needed" to. Being miserable and unhappy was an understatement. I stayed because I knew I would hurt him and hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do (I don't like to hurt anyone).
He had me fooled! I believed I needed him in my life. I believed he was the only one that would ever love me! I believed I was a bad mom. I believed everything he said to me over and over and over again.
Then I broke free! I spent 3 months on myself. Working and taking care of the kids while he was out doing whatever he wanted to do.
My... God... I was fully capable of taking care of myself and my kids, paying my bills, putting food on the table. The kids kicked and screamed when they had to leave me and I did all that I could for them... damn it I was/am a good mom.
Then.... I found love with an extraordinary man!
Oh Christopher!
Can you say "Check", "Check", "Check","Check", "Check", "Check". Can you hear me checking off every item on my "perfect" relationship list?!
He is the real reason for this post! Christopher Robert Brubaker... The love of my life.
I met him through an old friend... okay.. okay.. my rebound relationship after my ex husband. :0)
He is nine years older than me and to be honest he was not my "Type". Makes me think, did I really have a "type". My ex-husband consumed my life, so I didn't have much dating experience. Every day Christopher became more and more my type... and is now the sexiest man I know!
After mine and Chris' first date, okay... leaving dinner, so the middle of our first date.. I was already crushing on this guy I barely knew. We had amazing chemistry. Everything was so easy going and well, just easy. He was easy to talk to, he was easy to carry on conversation with, he was easy to listen to. It was all together an amazing night. From that point on we have been inseparable. We, of course, have things that twirk each others buttons, but we don't fight. He never yells or raises his voice. Best of all, his family... myself and our Children; are his world. He will shut off the game for us or stop doing what he is doing if anyone needs anything. He is involved in all holiday functions. He is involved in every movie, every craft, and every game.
If you would have asked me two years ago if I believe in always & forever... I would have said no. Now, I believe in eternity and I know just who I'm going to spend it with: My Husband, my grizzly bear, my Christopher, the love of my life, MY ETERNITY & THEN SOME.
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