Suicide... and what I think!

I am sure almost everyone has thought about suicide at one time or another in their lives.

• "I just don't want to live anymore?"
• "What reason do I have to live?"
• "No one will care if I'm gone/disappear!"

Or the simple.....

•  "I want to die"

The truth of the matter is suicidal thoughts can be a detailed plan on how you will kill yourself or it can be just the thought that you want to kill yourself but not carrying out/acting on it.

"According to the FDA (Food and Drug Administration), there are about 30,000 completed suicides in America each year, an annual incidence of 0.01%. 80% of suicides are among males. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds. Twenty per cent of all suicides are among this age group." http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/193026.php

Thoughts of suicide can come from remorse, rejection, breakup with a loved one, sexual abuse, financial problems, death of loved ones, or illness. It's really hard to deal with an overwhelming situation, so many resort to the thoughts of not wanting to live.

Suicide is a very scary thing and affects everyone around that person.

This week is National Suicide Week.

39th Annual National Suicide Prevention Week

September 8th - 14th, 2013

September 10th is Suicide Prevention Day!

(These are the kinds of things floating around the social media.)

I am supporting my "LOVE" for myself, Brandon, and other close friends/family that have these thoughts. Will you do the same?!

Other ways to support this is by wearing yellow and lighting a candle by the window at 8PM.

Suicide hits really close to home for me.

As a teenager, my grandmother died; I became very depressed. She was the one I ran to as a kid when my parent fought. She was the one I ran to when I ran away from home to get away from the emotional abuse from my mother. Yes; I ran away to my grandmas house. LOL. She was my rock. She was my comfort and she was my everything. When I lost her, my whole world came crashing down. I became very depressed!

With that depression came thoughts of suicide. I thought about killing myself and dying a lot. The depression was apparently starting to show at school and I was approached by the counselor. The Counselor was approached by most or all of my teachers. They were worried about me being home by myself and felt they needed to take action. But like many teenagers, I didn't have much to say!

• Nobody cares...
• Nobody will understand...
• I feel so alone...

At home, I was told to snap out of it. It's a lot easier said than done and it made me feel 10X worse. I stopped eating and I went through stages of insomnia and constant sleep.

I brought razors to my wrists many times, but was always fearful of following through.

I've heard people say that people that attempt/succeed at suicide are strong as opposed to weak because they actually follow through. I guess in a way that is correct, but I think they are at a weak point in their lives because they can't fight it out. They can't believe that life is worth living. I've been there.

At the age of 26, I went through a stage of it also. Depression hit hard. .. I just left my husband of 10 years, I was starting out on my own for the first time in my life, my current ex boyfriend of 3 months hit me; so I ended that. A family member was being rude and just not treating my kids right, so we got into an argument. I lost my best friend. I wanted to die. The only thing I felt keeping me alive were my children and they are the best purpose to have. I finally decided to just let everything go. It wasn't easy, but one day I just snapped out of it.

One of my close friends "Brother" killed himself on March 30, 2010. My family and his family were close and I grew up with him.

I felt so angry with him. How could he just leave us all behind? How could he leave his kid? How can he be so damn selfish?

I understand that people kill themselves because they don't think life is worth living, but it really sucks for us left behind as we have so many questions and they have a huge impact on our lives. Missing them and knowing that we couldn't do anything to help. Not knowing the feelings that were going through their head. Could I have been a better friend? I should have called more often. What if I was there. It really sucks to lose someone from suicide.

I also have friends and family that have thought about suicide and fight the feeling constantly. It's all around us.

I'm grateful for the life I live. I may not have everything, but I've got very important and supporting people and things around me. 

I hope everyone is able to spread awareness about suicide. The ones that are hurting the most, you might not be able to see their pain. One day they might be gone. 

Tell everyone you love them all the time. Even if you tell them a million times a day, tell them you love them because you don't know how much that may help. You don't know the inner battle they are fighting with themselves. You don't know if that phone call or text with I love you's or how are you doing's will save their life. Don't take advantage of the people that are here, because regardless of how they pass away; suicide or accident, they are just gone. :0( 

That's the harsh reality! They are just gone! 

So spread awareness, you don't know how many lives may be saved! Sometimes they just need to know that someone cares!



Sweet Lorraine. Beautiful!!!

What a beautiful video! What a beautiful LOVE! So worthy of a share!

Just 20 minutes a day... WOW.

I've always loved to read since I was younger and even now as an adult. The sad part is, I don't get that much time anymore. Maybe instead of turning that TV on at bedtime, I will turn to a book.

It's amazing the difference between 20 minutes and 5 minutes of reading.

My daughter was reading above a fourth grade level in first grade. We don't really know her reading level because they told me that's the highest they can test and she flew through it. She is currently reading books I would read. As a matter of fact; she is reading my favorite book, "A Thousand Tomorrows" by Karen Kingsbury.

Everyone should definitely read with their kids. :0) Look at the difference it makes.... why wouldn't you?!

Life can change instantly!

It's amazing how in one second life changes! One decision you make changes everything in an instant. Some things are beyond our control though.

I filed a transfer request for my son last year before the school ended. He is starting kindergarten next week. The transfer request was for the school right next to his day care!

I got the call last week that his transfer request was approved!! YAY!

Then just a few days later, my whole plan and world got turned upside down for a day! It caused so much stress, planning, and more stress!

I was losing the daycare help through the state. Yes; That's the only help I get through the state. I pay taxes damn it, I should get the help. These people don't take into consideration your house payment or rent. Rent alone for a 2-3 bedroom is nearly $1000.00. We are buying our house and our payments are less than that. What about 400.00-600.00 for food a month to feed 7 people?! What about the car payment so we can make it to work?! What about insurance you are required to have on your car or you get ticketed?! What about the health care you are now required to have and is completely out of the roof for a family?! What about school supplies and clothes for the kids?! You basically live pay check to pay check just to make ends meet and have a little bit of entertainment (which I think should be required so you don't work yourself to death) only to be turned down for that little bit of help. Instead of the people trying to survive; help is given to those that don't have jobs, that don't really try to get a job, and that sometimes sit on their butts. (I'm not saying all people that get assistance are this way) I have seen it.. I know it happens.

No; according to them, I have what I make and I don't owe anything to anyone.

End of Rant!

:0) I lose daycare as of the first! Thank goodness my daughter is going into second grade so I only have to worry about her for couple hours out of the day.

In the moment I was stressed to the max! What was I going to do?! It worked out, because everything always does. I'm just glad I didn't have to quit my job.

Thank goodness for my job. They are allowing me to bring my son to work with me before class starts (afternoon kindergarten). I've just got to figure out how to keep him busy for 4 hours while at work. Locking a kid in an office for 4 hours will be tough, but I'm willing to try because I can't afford 800.00 a month in daycare! I hate paying someone to raise my kids anyways, but in order to live the least bit comfortably, we need a two income home.

It's amazing how things just turn for the worst instantly. That was my stressful week!

So after it's all said and done, I enrolled my kids into the school that is within our district. I lost daycare, no sense in my driving across town each morning. My daughter starts tomorrow and my son starts on Tuesday. This school is within a few minutes from work and home, which will cut down my mileage even more. haha. I could use a tank of gas in roughly a month. Cheyanne will be able to walk to school with her friends on our block. I'm just hoping this all goes smoothly. Fingers crossed for me!




PS. Does anyone have ideas on how to keep my son busy during the week. Monday-Friday 8-12pm. I'm  planning on setting up a little work station for him so he can do learning, and coloring, but I've got a job to do, so all my attention can not be on him. :0(

Tell me something.

My husband and I play a little game. Well... I play a game with him. :0)

After the kids have gone to bed and we are laying in bed cuddled up next to each other, I look at him with oh.. so... loving eyes and say "Tell me something". I started it when we first got together and it hasn't died down.

Sometimes I get "You make me extremely happy"; other times, "I'm hungry". Sometimes "You are my everything; other times, "My back hurts". Sometimes "I can't wait to have babies with you"; other times, "I'm hot".

This man makes me completely happy.

I can just look at him and think to myself "How did I get so lucky".

You should try it. It is amazing way to get to know someone. It works for a new couple or a couple that's been together years. I've seen that it also helps build communication between us. My husband wasn't one to really "Talk" but I think this opens him up. We get into some deep conversations and I have learned so much about him. I know what his feelings are towards me, the kids, life, and work. We know we can talk about anything to each other and we are truly best friends.

It's a great little game.

Do you and your significant other play any games? If you have, how do they help you be a better couple?

DIY Picture layout organizer.

 My new way of doing pictures! :0)

I'm quite picky about my pictures that go up on the wall, but I love having photographs all over the place. I love to be surrounded by pictures of my loved ones. I can look across the room and just smile.

One wall is completely bare in my house.... see below :0) I needed something to cover it.

So... I went through my pictures and saved them to a folder on my desk top. I went through and edited them; that just the photographer in me. I little softness here... a little exposure there.. etc. etc.

I get into it probably farther than I need to. I have to draw it out on paper on how I want the photographs to look on the wall prior to ordering the pictures. I have to know what size of what picture I want. So here is how I did it this time.

 

I brought up Microsoft word and made a bunch of text boxes and brought them down to size. I knew my main focus was my 8 X 10's. I had one of each of us and one of Chris and I together.

I played with the 8 X 10 boxes and figured where I wanted them. I knew I had a large space to cover.

I added a lot of boxes to add pictures to later which can be resized. (hold CTRL C to copy, hold CTRL V to paste) 

 

 

I brought up my pictures and started filling in the boxes starting with my 8 X 10's, again those are my main focus and then started to add pictures around it.

 

I came across an issue with Jaxxon and Trenton's pictures. Jaxxon had horizontal pictures and Trenton didn't. I needed the right side to match the left. Cheyanne had one horizontal. I had to pick the best horizontal of Jaxxon and go searching for a vertical picture of him. You win some, you lose some.

I knew I wanted to put the kids 5X7 pictures by their 8X10 picture. Next to mine and Chris's  8X10's I put 5X7 of us together and then each of us with the kids.

 

The nice thing about doing it this way instead of drawing it out; moving the pictures is just a click and drag instead of throwing out the paper and starting over or erasing. :0)

 

I did have to go back and find some more pictures to fill in some spots, but that just means more pictures of my beautiful silly family up on the wall!

 

This is what I finished with and I love the result. I can't wait to see it up on my wall! I color coded it for ordering and easy viewing. Orange =8X10, Yellow = 5X7, Blue =4X6

 

I; then, pulled up my reference sheet and uploaded all my pictures to Wal-Mart. I put them side by side and just went down the list of pictures, peeking over to see what size to order! :0) 

 

 

"Save as" and you've got a template for moving pictures and organizing your pictures before you order the next time! I will be doing this with my wedding pictures very soon.

 

As soon as I got these pictures home and in the frames, I lay them out of the floor in the layout I created just to double check that I liked the way it turned out and made any switches to the pictures before putting them up on the wall. :0) That is something I have always done!

 

 

 

I ran into quite the predicament when the 5X7s and some 4X6s didn't have hangers on the back. UGH. My fault completely for not checking before purchasing them. Back to Wal-Mart I went and bought some command strips.... Amazing by the way! I will be using them for my future projects. They are easy to use and just put the picture up where you want it and press... there is no measuring, nailing, or frustration!

 

 

 

Here is the finished result, up on the wall for everyone to enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

I will be adding a couple other layouts that I have created and put up on the wall... these were drawn out, thrown away, erased, drawn out, laid out on the floor and re-arranged multiple times; before they ever made it up on my wall. Doing it this way would have saved a lot of time and paper!

 

 

 

The "Perfect" Relationship exists!

I used to be one of those people that believed nobody had that perfect relationship.

You know that "one"...

I didn't believe that you could live with your life with your "other half" for 70 years and be completely happy all the time.

I dreamt of that perfect relationship! I dreamt of the lives people in their 80's told me about. I dreamt of being that old couple walking down the street or in the store holding hands and smiling at one another because they still love each other like they did 60 years ago. How is a love like that even possible?

Everyone believed my ex-husband and I had a good relationship! Everyone envied us.  I had many people come to me and tell me that they wished for a relationship like ours.  We were together for 10 years and we looked so happy in love, the relationship everyone wanted to believe in; to hope for. We were perfect!

Or so everyone thought!!

Behind closed doors..... we were not perfect! We fought from the day he moved in (for 10 years); I'm talking screaming and yelling at each other. The last few years we didn't talk. If we talked it usually ended up in a fight. He slept on the couch a lot. We were not intimate. I couldn't stand him touching me. I couldn't stand being around him. He made me angry down to my core with the emotional abuse and hatred I now had for myself.

Somewhere along the way... I grew to hate this man I once loved with every piece of my being. I believed we would be together forever. We grew apart, I grew up. We both said mean things to get under each others skin, and hurt each other over the years. We both took advantage of the other. I won't put all the blame on him because I was in the wrong many times too. He didn't believe I would ever leave and I feel he took complete advantage of that. He begged me to stay because he couldn't live without me, but continued to treat me badly. I was stuck and miserable. We would try to fix things between up only to be let down. It the end, he would beg to fix our problems; I told him that I knew they would never change.

If you take one step forward and two steps back... won't you always be falling behind? We were not good together, and we had not finished growing as individuals. We should have never married... I cant speak for him, but I never should have settled for anything less than "perfect".

Now, I know nobody/nothing is perfect. I'm was looking for "my perfect" and I had settled for less than that for 10 years! I once loved him, I truly did.

The way things ended and how destructive our relationship ended up being was not my cup of tea, but it was what was meant to be. It taught me so much about myself (which I found out after leaving). I'm capable of so much more than what he or myself made me out to be. To other people I was a great person; but behind closed doors... I would never amount to anything and no one would ever want me.
I proved myself wrong, because I believed him. Maybe it was just his way of controlling me and making me stay.

If I believed I wouldn't go anywhere in my life... If I believed I was a bad mom... If I believed nobody would ever want me.. If I believed anything he said.... I would stay. Not because I "Wanted" to, but because I "Needed" to. Being miserable and unhappy was an understatement. I stayed because I knew I would hurt him and hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do (I don't like to hurt anyone).

He had me fooled! I believed I needed him in my life. I believed he was the only one that would ever love me! I believed I was a bad mom. I believed everything he said to me over and over and over again.

Then I broke free! I spent 3 months on myself. Working and taking care of the kids while he was out doing whatever he wanted to do.

My... God... I was fully capable of taking care of myself and my kids, paying my bills, putting food on the table. The kids kicked and screamed when they had to leave me and I did all that I could for them... damn it I was/am a good mom.

Then....  I found love with an extraordinary man!

Oh Christopher!
Can you say "Check", "Check", "Check","Check", "Check", "Check". Can you hear me checking off every item on my "perfect" relationship list?!

He is the real reason for this post! Christopher Robert Brubaker... The love of my life.

I met him through an old friend... okay.. okay.. my rebound relationship after my ex husband. :0)

He is nine years older than me and to be honest he was not my "Type". Makes me think, did I really have a "type". My ex-husband consumed my life, so I didn't have much dating experience. Every day Christopher became more and more my type... and is now the sexiest man I know!

After mine and Chris' first date, okay... leaving dinner, so the middle of our first date.. I was already crushing on this guy I barely knew. We had amazing chemistry. Everything was so easy going and well, just easy. He was easy to talk to, he was easy to carry on conversation with, he was easy to listen to. It was all together an amazing night. From that point on we have been inseparable. We, of course, have things that twirk each others buttons, but we don't fight. He never yells or raises his voice. Best of all, his family... myself and our Children; are his world. He will shut off the game for us or stop doing what he is doing if anyone needs anything. He is involved in all holiday functions. He is involved in every movie, every craft, and every game.



If you would have asked me two years ago if I believe in always & forever... I would have said no. Now, I believe in eternity and I know just who I'm going to spend it with: My Husband, my grizzly bear, my Christopher, the love of my life, MY ETERNITY & THEN SOME.

The kids brought home a............ Caterpiller

Chris took the kids to the park and they came home with a caterpillar!

 They created a little habitat for it... Hoping we can get a butterfly or moth.

Lets see what this little adventure brings! This momma is kinda excited.

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3

Pictures of the kids.

As I posted in an earlier post, I have no confidence in my photography. It slowly builds and sometime I fall in love with the pictures I take. You can see the post here.....About Me!

I've been wanting to take pictures of my daughter in my wedding dress. They turned out absolutely amazing. I don't know if anyone can/does feel this way but I'm absolutely in love with these pictures.
They are absolutely stunning!

 

I think sometimes "God, I'm good at what I do! :0) Other times I think... these are good, but are they good enough. I am in constant need of approval. 

Again my facebook where you can see more of these pictures is Love.Cherish.Joy Photography

How did I get the name you ask?! I took the beginning letter of mine and my children's names. 

Laura = L= Love

Cheyanne = C = Cherish

Jaxxon = J= Joy

Love Cherish & Joy are things you find in pictures. It is a moment frozen in time. Something that is Cherished forever! 

I also took pictures of my daughter in her dance outfit. 

I also got pictures of my kids to send to my family, that have recently moved away.

 I can't believe how old my daughter looks in this picture!!

I'm in love with these pictures! 

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3

Doll Face *Amazing Message*

What do you see when you watch this video?!


Woman try so hard to be beautiful based on what they see on TV; what they don't realize is they are already beautiful.

This video represents how woman try even when it is out of reach only to lead to destruction. :0(

Very powerful video.

Baby Fever

When Chris and I first started dating, we talked about marriage and babies... to make sure we were both on the right page.

It took me aback when he said a straight "NO" to anymore babies. I understood completely though. He was 35; had a 15 year old and a 7 year old. I was a little concerned on if he was ready to even take my kids on since they were younger and he's already been here... why would he want to start all over. I didn't say anything because really for me it was a "If it happens, it happens" kind of deal. That... and the fact that getting pregnant scares me entirely to much. I never know I'm pregnant and with the ectopic I came so close to dying.

Then one day sitting on the couch talking, Chris looks at me and says that he's thought more about it and that he would like to have a baby with me. :0) My heart soared! I'm so in love with this man.

Then baby turned into babies!

We had a few of Chris' co-workers over for BBQ this weekend and one of them brought a baby!! She was soooooo tiny and just so darling!

Talk about Baby Fever! I told Chris right there we were having one, and he couldn't say no. LOL. Kidding of course... well kind of! :0P

 

I didn't want to put her down or give her up!

 

Cheyanne being the motherly type (she has been since she was a baby herself) wanted to hold her an begged and begged to hold her.

 

Well I guess she can have a chance to marvel in the beauty of holding a baby!

 

This was the first time I had held a baby this small since..... WOW... might me when my son was a baby; almost 5 years ago.

 

I want a baby with the love of my life; my husband so very badly... I can feel it. I love being pregnant and I love babies!

 

Here's to hoping for one; one day!

 

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3

 

 

A little bit disconnected....

Raymond finally called on Saturday the 18th.

Cheyanne got on the phone.....

"Hi dad"
Pause
"Good"
Pause
"Good"
Pause
"I love you too"
Pause
"Yeah"
Pause
"Yeah"
Pause
"Yeah"
Pause
"okay bye"

It makes me so sad to see that she is disconnected from her biological father. She would be so excited to talk to him and this time we didn't even get a smile. I know my kids need their dad in their life because it's important to them. It still blows me away that he could ever move away from them.

I was blow drying Cheyanne's hair on Friday. Poor Chris... I went on a rampage about how  my children's real father is missing out on his kids. They are growing up so much and he chose to move away for "nothing" that is benefiting him. All he does is party and go to strip clubs. He wonders why I won't let my kids go stay the summer with him and his 5 room mates. They have a wonderful, FULL, stable life here... and I'm not going to disrupt that or throw them into a life like his.

This morning, I pulled out last weeks work from Cheyanne's backpack. I found this:

 

It's a heart listed with things she loves. Mom, dad, cat, dog, family, hello kitty, sister, ice cream, pizza, step brother, brother, bananas, Morgan,. Alyssa.

 

Her b's and d's are backwards. I was giving her a hard time... I said is this "Dad", she said "Yeah, I meant Chris". I said "He's pretty special isn't he?" She said "yes" with a huge smile, and shaking her head like crazy up and down.

 

No mention of her father!

 

Just her Dad......

 

 

I believe it takes more than being a sperm donor, spending little time, or even just buying them presents to be a dad.

 

It takes a man, a loving person. Someone to discipline, to teach, and to listen. It takes a man that will help fix the bike when it needs to be done. It takes someone to buy their summer clothes. It takes someone to sit on the couch with them and not care if he just because the human jungle gym. It takes someone to cook and clean up after them. It takes someone who will drop what he is doing if the kids ask him to do something and do it. It's a man that spends his nights at home taking care of those children. It's a man that will choose his children over his friends or a good time. It is a man that will put his children (biological or step) over anybody else.

Chris is my Children's Dad without a doubt. He has been their "dad" for the past year and the best one they have had.

 

 

 

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3

 

How do Moms survive boys?

Cheyanne goes to church each Sunday with a friend from school. She loves it.

I didn't sleep well last night so I was laying down in bed. Christopher came in and said he was going to take the boys to the skate park to ride their scooters. I got up because I want to go with them. He has taken them a couple times while I'm napping or if I'm sick, so I've never gotten to go.

It was pretty dead there. Jaxxon being 4 just went around and around the skate park, getting faster and faster.

After being there awhile, older kids showed up doing tricks on the bikes; flying through the "bowls". Up, turn around, back down..... this momma has crazy nerves.

My boy is such a boy and I just want to be mom and protect him in all ways. It scares me for him to soon be doing those things like flying into the air on a scooter, bike, or skateboard. What if he falls and breaks his arm or leg? I don't even want to think about it.... but I've got to let him be a boy.

So through my clenched teeth and sharp inhales, I will support him in the fun that he wants to do. Without this he may not become the man he will be one day. This is an experiance that will help shape him.

It just amazes me at how fast they grow.

When we got home.... I got my sweet little boy :0) The one that is safe and not giving me a heart attack!

A woman just making it thru life

Laura <3