Searching for him..... Or is it myself??

On March 26th 2014, I found out for the first time in my life that my dad... is not my biological dad!

.....I was confused.

.....I was hurt.

.....I was shocked.

.....I am still confused.

.....I cried for days.

Who is he? What does he look like? Do I look anything like him? Do I have family out there that I have never knew about? Why was it kept from me for so long? All these questions running through my head and absolutely no way to get the answer. You see; I have no, ABSOLUTELY no communication with my mother, because she is poison to my life. The downer... She is the only one with the absolute answers but no guarantee for the truth.

The events unfolded like this.

- Sister serves papers for custody of younger sister (shes had her for over a year)
-Mom flips out and starts texting hurtful things to my sister (Fiance is a creep, her and my younger sister are the ones on drugs, etc)
-The kicker: 3 or so hours later a new text comes in:

- My sister called my dad

- My dad called me. 

- I cried! 

Everyone knew! Everyone on my moms side, everyone on my dads side. Everyone knew, but myself and my sisters! I wish they would have told me when I was little but able to understand or even little enough to know but not care, because then I would have gone through life knowing, but not caring. :0) I would have been able to make the decision sooner on if I wanted to find this man they say is my biological father.

I have talked to my whole family... excluding my mother and found out different details:

His name is Randy via my dad, 2 aunts, and 2 uncles

He possibly went to Ceour D'Alene High School with mom. 

He had brownish blonde hair

He was medium build (Jock?)

One uncle said he was a stand up guy and a really hard worker, he could see him in construction or similar field.

My aunt said his name was Randy Wilson (Not sure on the last name). 

BTW : There are sooooo many Randy Wilsons in the US

My mother; Wendy, and him dated for just a few months in high school (1985)

I've heard that he broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant because his family didn't want it.

I've heard that he was possessive, therefore he may not know that I exist at all.

WHO ARE YOU?

My mother  has caused so much hurt and pain in my life. She feels as if she is the victim all the time and if you tell her anything that she doesn't want to hear, you end up with texts of the sort like the previous. I've been threatened that she will sue me (Over a phone number that I kept telling her she needed to get into her own name for months), that my kids are dirty and are welfare children (Please state hand over the cash because it's hard to raise a family with NO help!), I'm a stingy little cunt, that I'm spiteful (all because I replied to her "Please don't text me again"), I'm a nigger (I absolutely HATE that word), that I need church, etc... It's a never ending battle.... Either you are cowering in her presence and agreeing with everything she says, or you just get out of the way. I'm not the only one that has witnessed this, I've just dealt with it longer than anyone else... because I grew up with it and now I'm 28 years old and she's hitting me with whatever she can. I believe this is the last thing that she can hit me with and I'm thanking god for that.

Because of her and other abusive relationships... I'm a person that feels guilt at all times, I'm quiet and don't like to hurt people. 

......I'm depressed. 

My whole life has revolved around my dad and his family. His family is the family I really ever knew. The ones that I spent my whole life with. I've always believed to the fullest that they were my blood relatives.  I still feel it in my mind, heart, or soul that they are my family.

Any medical history I have or my nationality all revolved around my dads side of the family. All that was a lie. I'm none of those things. 

Things are not going to change, because I know who my family is. I know who matters to me and I know who I love with my whole heart. I love my dad and my dad will always ALWAYS be my dad because he is the one that raised me. He is the one that loved me and never treated me any different than he did my sister (his biological daughter). I never had any inclination that I wasn't his biological child.

But in a sense, I feel lost. What am I? Who am I? What I believed myself to always be, was a lie. I'm hurt. I can't wrap my head around it to save my life.

I know who my dad is... but I would like to know who my biological father is. I just want answers. If he wants nothing to do with me, I completely understand. I've lived my life. I'm a grown woman with a wonderful family, wonderful husband, and wonderful children. I don't need much more.. I just want answers. 

But if he wants to know me.... I'm open to that also. I would love to know what other family I have out there. 

People tell me to search and have helped. Others tell me not to. They say to forget about it, leave it alone; all because things didn't work out well for them. But let me point out they had the chance to find and figure out who was their biological father, they found the answers they needed to move on with their life. It's not so easy to say put it in the back of my mind. I've been told to prepare myself for the rejection because this man more than likely has a family; a wife and kids, that probably don't know or want anything to do with me (Possibly he doesn't either).

Isn't it only fair I do too? Here is my chance to tackle another hardship in my life (Why I have to live with so many, is beyond me), to become someone new, to grow. It's my life and I hate feeling guilty about it. I hate feeling like I'm gonna hurt my dad if I look for this man. I hate feeling like I'm gonna be judged by these people that say to leave it alone if I do find him. I hate feeling like it's just a waste of time because there are so many Randys out there.

I hate feeling scared to contact any of them in fear of finding this man because that means every bit of this is TRUE.



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